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There’s no cure for poor pigskin prognosticating

 There’s no cure for poor pigskin prognosticating

“Good morning, Rick, what brings you to my office today?”

“Hi, doctor, I’ve been breaking out in hives a lot lately.”

“Hmmm … let’s take a look. …Yep, those are hives all right. You say that you’ve been breaking out a lot recently?”

“Yes. I usually get them on Sunday afternoons, they last into Monday and don’t start disappearing until Tuesday morning. But by then I am usually plagued by an industrial-sized migraine.”

“Interesting, Mr. Lubbers. Hives can be triggered by a host of things, but have you considered that the NFL may be to blame?”

“I have a Nostril Fungal Lesion?”

“No. You really need to stop watching ‘House.’ I mean N-F-L as in the National Football League. a bunch of us in the office here have noticed you are getting more and more of your weekly Pigskin Picks wrong. You barely broke .500 last week. What’s wrong with you? Donovan McNabb has a better completion percentage. KBJR-TV sports anchor Tom Hansen already is well ahead of you, and if you don’t watch it, News Tribune entertainment reporter Christa Lawler will pass you. By the way, how could you have picked the Steelers to beat the Ravens Sunday night?”

“Uh, thanks for noticing, doc. But what does that have to do with getting the hives.”

“One common cause of hives is stress. do they start appearing while you are watching football games and seeing final scores?”

“Well, now that you mention it, I do start getting itchy shortly after the noon kickoff and look like I’ve contracted the chicken pox by the time the Sunday night game rolls around. I used to think it was just an allergic reaction to the banter between Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth. But maybe it is the stress of messing up my picks. You should have seen how red my skin got when I saw that the Dolphins beat the Chiefs on Sunday.”

“Do you get them any other time during the week, Rick?”

“Nope. just on Sundays and Mondays.”

“What are you doing when you get the headaches on Tuesdays?”

“Hmm … those usually start when I am making my picks for the next week.”

“And it’s not just the hives, doc. I can’t seem to go anywhere without someone asking me about my picks. Whether it’s at church, the grocery store, movie theater or gas station — everyone wants to talk about my picks, often with a snicker, giggle or outright guffaw. Why did I pick that team? have I seen my record lately? Am I picking the Vikings this week? Are the Packers going to lose their first game this weekend?”

“So, how does that make you feel?”

“Hey, I thought you were a dermatologist, not a shrink.”

“Well, I may not be a doctor of the mind, but I am a Green Bay Packers season ticket holder. So I know a little something about the NFL.”

“Packers, huh? do you actually own a Cheesehead?”

“Do your pets have Packer-related names, doctor?”

“I have a dog named Lombardi, a cat that answers to Woodson and a parrot that thinks he’s Aaron Rodgers. we had a goldfish named Favre, but we found him belly-up in the bowl the other day.”

“Uh, doc, can I see your credentials again?”

“Hey, if they can let a Lions fan be sports editor, a Packer fan can certainly practice medicine.”

“Speaking of medicine, do you have a prescription you can write for me? a balm or something?”

“You mean other than making better picks? I’m afraid there’s no prescription I can write you for that. maybe watch a little more ESPN or flip a coin when you make your picks. Darts work well, too. one of your kids could try their hand at it. do you have a really smart pet? I’m not into crystal balls, but buying one certainly couldn’t hurt your percentage. maybe you can hire a bargain-priced soothsayer.”

“Uh, doc. I think it’s time for my next appointment.”

“Where’s that?”

“My next stop is my psychologist. He’s a Vikings fan.”

“Hmmph. And you ask to see my credentials.”

“See ya, doc. …”

“Oh, wait, I do have one thing that could help you, Mr. Lubbers. here, catch.”

“A bottle of aspirin?”

“Yes. have you seen next week’s schedule yet? It’s a doozy. You’re picking the Packers on Monday night, right?”

Contact News Tribune sports editor Rick Lubbers at rlubbers@duluthnews.com or (218) 723-5317, especially if you are an NFL soothsayer and work cheap.

Tags: sports, football, packers, vikings, columns, columnists

There’s no cure for poor pigskin prognosticating

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